Loneliness

Going home, originally uploaded by zacolton.

For the first time in a long while I am feeling homesick. I miss my friends, I miss my family, I miss Ottawa, my city. It seems no matter how adventurous your spirit may feel, you’re always drawn back to the things you love. We’re social creatures, and no matter how much we try to fool ourselves we need those strong connections or else we cannot truly be happy.

It makes you think when you have a rare and exotic disease that alters your life significantly. Whether you have CIPO such as I do, Cystic Fibrosis or any other that I may not know of, you’re life is led upon a completely separate path from the healthy majority. When you have so much more to deal with in just living your every day life, you can start to feel like a completely different species in comparison to those around you. In my experience, this alien identity has made me feel very lonely. I’ve lain awake at night in a hospital bed listening to “Boulevard of Broken Dreams,” not because it is a particularly good song but because I feel like the main character in the song, at least during extreme periods. Loneliness has been the major factor in pushing depression into my life, a feeling of weight upon my soldiers, which only I can hold up.

Fortunately there are ways to break away from that feeling of loneliness. Art is one. Whether you find photography to be your passion, or poetry is your forte, art is a way of connecting to others without any preconceived notions of the way we live. It can give you a raw view into another human beings mind, and if you understand the medium you will find yourself connecting to others. Despite being an alien you may find that you share very similar thoughts, emotions, fears, and joys. That is the beauty of art, and in my opinion, the true meaning of art.

Of course if you are lucky you can get one step further away from loneliness. There are people out there who don’t care about your situation. These people don’t pity you, don’t fear you, and given the chance will judge you upon who you are, not the way you live. It is when meeting these people that we can feel truly human again, perhaps different, but human.

In the end, you have to make due with whatever your situation is, and find whatever way to get around the issues you have. It can be tough, but its important to force yourself to get back up no matter how many times you’re shoved to floor.

Patient Diligance

Harley, originally uploaded by zacolton.

Now that I have begun to become more immersed in photography, my knowledge has come to a drop point. This point of knowledge can apply to any subject, which you take it upon yourself to learn and it is the subject I would like to focus upon tonight.

When we begin learning a new subject, whether it be law, history, philosophy, or photography we most often have little to no knowledge. Presuming the subject interests you, you enter with a sense of wonderment and possibility. For a time, depending on how quickly you learn each and every piece of material you take in seems to immerse itself within your inner database. Things seem to be so easy, but of course this cannot last.
You will eventually reach a point where you have learnt enough to know the basics of your subject, yet at the same time you will also have learnt enough to know how much more there truly is to learn, far more than you had ever expected. It is at this point that you come to realize that you know so little, and you may even feel as if you know less than when you started.
I have reached this point in photography. I can take a picture with proper exposure most of the time, and I understand all the basics to exposure, a little bit about editing, and even something about composition. But it is also at this point that I want to do more, I wish to create great pictures, not just correct pictures. I find myself constantly disappointed, whereas only a week ago I found myself constantly elated, even though I was unsure about what I was doing.
Fortunately there is a solution to this daunting fear. For many it may be to much and in my personal opinion this fear is the reason why so many people find math to hard. The truth is, you just have to be patient. Continue to focus upon learning your subject even though it feels as if you are getting nowhere. Eventually something will click, and you all of a sudden have a new understanding of a new aspect of your subject. I have found that as long as I stick with something with steady determination I always master it.

Although this tactic of patient diligence can work in many other aspects of life, it is far easier said than done and there have been only a few cases in which I have succeeded.

Drowsy & Jittery

Iconic Yet Symbolic, originally uploaded by zacolton.

Today was a good day. Although I literally got no sleep last night I was still able to function in a capable fashion despite being consistently nagged by that jittery wakefulness you get from insomnia. Unfortunately though, that jittery wakefulness does not contribute to creativity so I was not inclined to take risks with my camera, although I was able to snap a nifty shot of some trash at the dog park during the morning.
On the other hand, I did ace a job interview and feel quite secure that I will no longer be unemployed within the next two weeks.

Perhaps the most interesting part of my day occurred near the end. The magic hour of photography was upon me and I had biked into downtown Vancouver. While taking a break at the central library I noticed how many people congregated in that one spot. Unfortunately I was too chicken to power on my camera and start clicking. An 18-70mm lens does not inspire confidence while shooting candid street portraits. If any other photographer happens to stumble upon this post I would love to hear about other experiences in shooting street portraits.

In terms of health, my bowels continue to function properly and I enjoyed several small meals throughout the day. With any luck I’ll be packing on the pounds soon. Tomorrow I go to have my groshong port stitches removed and with that, a chance to head to the gym to work on triceps (no clue what triceps are). I’m tired now.

Can Diet Change Your Life?

 

Distinguished, originally uploaded by zacolton.

Not too long ago I was still fixated upon food. It was an unhealthy obsession that coaxed me into eating the wrong foods time and time again. With a bowel such as mine, I have to be very careful what I put into my mouth or else! This could include my bowel slowing down, dehydration, pain, loss of weight, loss of energy, and even hospitalization. Despite all these factors I continued to “cheat” on my diet for 4 years. I put brackets around cheat because the truth is I wasn’t really cheating as I never had a true diet, just a mixed list of things I thought digested and things I thought caused issues. But, my ways have finally changed.

I recently discovered the specific carbohydrate diet. It seems I am finally mature enough to study a topic, which may benefit me. In the weeks since I first picked up the guidebook to SCD, I have layed out a step by step plan of food introduction based on the legal list included. SCD basically excludes all complex carbohydrates including wheat, corn, soy, lactose, sugar, overly starchy foods, and more. This still leaves meats, fruits and veggies, and lactose free milk products and fortunately you can live a very healthy lifestyle with SCD, unlike the Atkins Diet. So what benefits has SCD bestowed upon me? I haven’t had a single bowel issue in over a month, I have more energy, I’m gaining weight, and most importantly, having a strict set of fixed guidelines has kept me from thinking about “cheating”. I’m feeling extraordinary and for the first time in a year I actually have confidence that I’ll be off TPN someday. As an added bonus I’ve been forced to learn how to cook, and we all know the ladies love a man who can cook!

If you want to learn more about the Specific Carbohydrate Diet check out the main website, breakingtheviciouscycle.info.

Photography & More

Hidden Premiere, originally uploaded by zacolton.

So now that I’ve finally come out and admitted I’m not a superhuman with CIPO, I thought I’d finally get on with updating the blog to a new format. From now on all posts will come with photograph from my flickr account. I’ve recently become quite enamored with photography and with my trusty Sony a200 DSLR in hand I’ve finally found a creative outlet. I must say, it’s like a breath of fresh air to have a true impassioned hobby. Instead of thinking about food, or how sick I am, or perhaps even depression, my mind is constantly fixed on photography. And with this new found love, I’ve managed garner new strength, and my health is currently the best it has been in a long time! So that’s my tip for the day, find something you are passionate about and explore it because there are added benefits other than the joy of having a passion.

Until my next post you should check out my twitter page. I’m completely obsessed. It’s such a simple and sleek social tool there is no excuse not to update it a few times a day, so check it out for yourself too. Also check out my flickr page and if you are as well interested in photography, add me as I would love to see your stuff!

And now its time to put my needle into my groshong port…deep breathes, deep breathes.

I Kinda Lied, Kinda…

Ok, I’m back once again. Some of my family read the last post and didn’t think it quite reflected where I’m always at. It’s a hard thing to admit, that you’re not yet as strong as you wish you were, but its important that it happens because then you can start working on it. I finally did, and while falling into a bit of a deeper depression for a while, which I’d already been going through after a particularly serious hospital visit 2 months ago, I’ve also felt the urge to get up off my ass and throw my corpse at a few activities.

It seems to be working, as my energy is improving. I’ve mostly been focusing upon photography and a new diet I’ve started called the specific carbohydrate diet. I’ll be seeing a therapist as soon as one can see me but in the meantime these activities seem to be pumping a bit of fuel into body and at the very least, are keeping me distracted from depression. I’ll explain more about both in further posts very soon and hopefully I’ll be posting some pictures. And if I can make writing on this blog another one of my activities maybe I’ll have some readers to check those photos out…

Change Comes On Easter

It is my belief that a man can change himself if he wishes for it long enough, works hard enough, and is presented with an event capable of grasping his core. 4 years ago I was unhappy with who I was. I wasn’t aware of it consciously but I am now. I had everything I needed in life, a good head, strong body, good looks, and most of my health with a world of opportunities at my feet. Yet, I lingered consistently unwilling to dedicate myself to any cause or task, afraid that I may fail. I followed others when I should have followed my heart, and I wasted my time applying just enough effort to get by. The truth was I had notion of who I was, and sadly enough, I don’t think I even once thought there could be more to me than my initial desires. Unfortunately it has been my experience over the past four years in which I have woken up, that I can see most people live in this fashion, sacrificing the great gift of consciousness and the ability to apply to meaning to life, simply because the effort to achieve this state is too great. It seems most people live this way, or how else could such atrocities as the holocaust or the rape of Africa and its people occur. I am getting off topic, though perhaps I will return to philosophy once again once I have told my story in its entirety.